It’s been awhile since I’ve sat down and just typed my thoughts out. Things are shaky lately. I have felt anxious for many reasons, some valid and some outrageous. I have dealt with anxiety before, but this time it’s different. This time I know I have to stop the pattern of stuffing it all inside and hiding what I can from those around me. I have a son now, and the way I act, think, and behave, will directly effect him. I want him to have a carefree childhood. I want him to think back on his life with Daniel and me with fond memories and a warm heart. In order for this to happen, I need to ask for the help I need now.
(Meanwhile, the “O” key on my keyboard keeps sticking, and it’s driving me nuts).
I started asking for help by writing to a friend and my counselor from America and letting them know what was going on. This isn’t too out of the norm, but asking my mom to pray for me…that is out of my comfort zone, but I felt God leading me to ask for help in this important way. The next day, I heard from my counselor who suggested perhaps this is related to post partum. I knew I then needed to call my (awesome) midwife and ask for her help. And, last but not least, I needed to ask for God’s help. Seems like the most basic thing, right? Not for me.
I don’t want people to see that side of me. I don’t want to come unglued in front of anyone, including God. Even though I know He sees and knows me intimately, I attempt to hide on a regular basis. I’m ashamed, just like Eve, and my pathetic little fig leaves don’t fool Him at all. What I’m realising is that in order to heal, I have to be willing to open up the good, the bad, and the ugly in my heart to God. Even though He can see it and knows it all, my attitude matters. If I do not open up and willingly allow Him in, I cannot heal. I am prohibiting Him from healing me.
Heal me, O Lord, and I shall be healed;
save me, and I shall be saved,
for you are my praise. –Jeremiah 17:14
Something amazing is happening along with the beginning pieces of healing. People are coming out of the woodworks suddenly that need the same peace I’m seeking. Somehow, this has helped in my healing…to know that I’m not alone. To pray over these other women. And I have hope that the Lord is truly working…that He is truly in control and has a plan for my life…that He’s going to use my life to bring glory to Him. And that is my heart’s strongest desire.