The Lord has been whispering to my heart lately…that He’s here and cares…that I can trust Him…that I can feel secure.
Secure. Something I don’t know I’ve ever felt. I have pondered this lately. I don’t feel free…to cry, to feel, to sleep (no unplanned naps), to be ME.
My heart yearns to make Cody feel secure. Right now, I can do this by cuddling with him, comforting him, and letting him take some risks. When I rock him to sleep or when I sing to him and he calms right down, I look in his eyes and at his small sweet face and feel such love. I just want what’s best for him. I want him to experience a wholesome, beautiful childhood.
I still don’t trust God like I should. I don’t believe Him (it scares me just to admit that) when He says He loves me and cares for me. I guess, admittedly, I don’t feel like I am worthy of love from anyone. I feel like something’s wrong with me. I feel crazy. How could He love me? I know He sees everything that’s in my heart and mind, and knowing that He can see right through me makes me “know” that He couldn’t possibly still love me.
But I’m missing the point. If I really believe that Jesus’ death on the cross meant something than I would really know that God sees His life, His mind, His heart when He looks at me.
He wants me to feel secure just like I want Cody to feel secure. He wants to make my life so good just like I want to make Cody’s life beautiful (I’m getting tears in my eyes just thinking about this). He wants the best for me…really truly wants it and doesn’t just say it.
Can I share with you what I think He’s up to in my life?
Remember the post I made last week about cutting back? About saving for America? Well, we faithfully tithed last week. Then, we took our car to be serviced…$600. Had to take it to the shop and get a rental…$500+$500 deposit (that we will get back, but still). Then, we briefly thought about going ahead with our move to a smaller place (even though our lease is up in 2 weeks and we haven’t told them we want to move yet), but then realised it won’t be possible. This means that all the money we could be saving, we won’t be saving for the next 6 months because of the high cost of rent. Now, we had the money to pay for all the bills, and we will have the money to continue paying rent. But what about our savings?
He’s going to come through for me…I can tell. It’s a huge possibility that He wants to show me what He’s capable of in my life…He told me a few months ago that I needed to depend on Him as our source, particularly for our trip to America…and now I think He’s trying to make sure I don’t get in His way and think that it came from me at all. I don’t know if our trip will happen as soon as I want it to, but it’s going to happen…and I think it’s going to be a miracle.
The bigger miracle is happening in my heart already. He’s going to eradicate the high anxiety. He’s going to make me secure in Him.
Thank You, Jesus.