Daniel asked me “What’s wrong” tonight, and I didn’t know how to answer. I knew I felt emotionally shaky but couldn’t figure out the source.
Today, my little man took a bottle for the first time. This might sound silly to get upset over, but with all the trouble I’ve had with breastfeeding, I want to be the only source of his nutrition. The bottle was a madela calma, which works like a breast (in that Cody will have to suck to get the milk), and it contained breastmilk I pumped, so it’s not like it wasn’t coming from me. But in that moment, I missed him. I was sitting right there with him feeding him, but I missed him.
I start working next week. I teach piano and will only be teaching a few lessons after school 3 days a week. It’s a wonderful situation for a mother, but I feel nervous nonetheless. Daniel will watch Cody when he’s not traveling for work. Enter bottle for feeding. I will still feed Cody during lessons at times, and I’m not sure how that will go…how distracting it will be to the students and myself, and how hard it will be to not just be focused on my beautiful son. When I’m not feeding Cody, I will miss him. I will miss these days of it only being the two of us duding it through the day and not worrying about a work schedule or people showing up 3 days a week. Who knows, maybe I will have to go back to this if working doesn’t work out–a tempting thought. My wish is that I will be able to process this next step of letting go a little more and that teaching will be something of my own that I will enjoy in the years ahead. When he’s a little bigger, it might be easier…because he won’t need me for feeding anymore and he will be too active to have with me in lessons.
I think it’s true what they say…that when you have a child, it’s like having a piece of your heart walking around outside of you. And mothering is forever a process of letting go a little more. I just hope I can keep up and not be discouraged by the letting go but encouraged by the man my son will become.